Block 3 Week 12: I got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine

I am constantly finding myself misinformed on how much a person can carry before they crack under the pressure. I'm pretty close to just turning off all communication and hiding under the bed so that I won't find out any more bad news. I'm not saying this so people will feel sorry for me or whatever. It has just been the hardest couple of months I've ever experienced, and honestly medical school is going to have to run to keep up with the garbage life keeps throwing at me. 

This morning I keep thinking about an interview at a medical school (that shall not be named but is not the one I am currently attending). One of the interviewers asked me how I would handle the pressures of school that might be more difficult for someone with a family. I chirped back that I had an amazing support system, and that my husband was prepared to jump in and pick up everything and keep us all going while I was in school. It never occurred to me during the time that I was shedding all my regular responsibilities and piling them all on him that if anything happened to him, I'd have to pick all that stuff up, keep going with school, and help take care of him. Boy, if ever a girl needed a time machine so she could go slap the shiny optimism off a person...

So here's what I'm deciding to take away from this whole un-shiny part of my life. People are fragile. You never know when you are in the line at Starbucks getting a coffee if the person taking your order might be struggling with some really hard life stuff. Sometimes I take someone else's unpleasantness extremely personal, like they are just targeting me to be awful. But you never know what kind of burdens people around you might be struggling under. Maybe they left the whipped cream out of your latte after they had just asked if you wanted it. But maybe they are trying to hurry up and get you taken care of so they can go in the bathroom and cry until the pressure lets off enough to allow them to finish their day without completely coming apart. So keep in mind that while you may be coping just fine and skipping along through life with sunshine and daisies, at any moment something could come round and kick you right in the butt and make things really difficult for you. 

But that's when you just decide to pick your naked butt up out of the puddle and bounce back anyway.

That doesn't mean that you don't take the time to fall apart and mourn the fabulousness that was everything going your way, though. It's like when you get a cold and air just will not move in and out of your nose no matter what, and you lay in bed and think about the many days that you took for granted the fact that you could breathe out of BOTH nostrils easily, and you promise that if you ever find yourself breathing normally again that you will never take it for granted again. It's like that. SO at the risk of sounding like Pollyanna, all this hard stuff makes me look really hard for things to be thankful for, AND it makes me a little more compassionate for those around me that might be going through similar or worse circumstances.

In other news, I know I mentioned that I had to remediate anatomy lab last week over block break. I took the repeat practical on Thursday and I passed! So we start back tomorrow morning for block 4: cardiovascular and pulmonary systems. It's the last block of our first year of medical school. I'm ready to get going again, even though there wasn't much of a break this time. So here goes!

Block 3 Week 11: Zombie

I know I usually go with movie lines, but this song is just looping in my head right now, so I went with it. It's a pretty good description of where I am actually. We finished block 3 last Friday, and I found out that I have to remediate the lab portion of anatomy. This means I have to be in the library at my school from 8-5 every day until we take the exam on Thursday. Because I clearly can't be trusted to study on my own. I mean, I did miss four more questions than I should have, which totally translates to 24 hours of purgatory. /sarcasm And yes, I know it's my fault that I'm at their mercy here.

I really wouldn't mind being here so much if there wasn't so much other stuff going on. I still haven't finished moving all of our stuff from the other house. The only thing that's left is the kitchen. Also, my husband is still recovering from pancreatitis, and he's home alone fending for himself because the kids have standardized testing at school this week. So I'm sure he's not resting. I guess if my personal life wasn't falling apart around my ears, I might have done a little better in the studying department. But when you're learning to juggle, you just keep throwing more stuff in because you can't just stop at juggling three torches, a motorcycle, and an angry hippopotamus. That would be too easy.

So up next, block 4! My brain is a squishy bag of quivering jello currently. I hope that I can take the long weekend and just rest it so I won't start out the block in a mess. I'm also not going to look so forward to block break, and I'm not going to make a bunch of plans that might get kicked to the curb if I goof things up again.

Things I am supposed to be doing this week:

1. Catching up on sleep

2. Binge-watching all the shows I missed

3. Moving house

4. Taking care of sick hubby

5. Going to the doctor

6. Getting a pedicure

7. Reacquainting myself with that mysterious warm orb in the sky

8. Taking tons of baths in my new garden tub

9. Getting the internet installed at the new house (no wifi til FRIDAY, WHAT?!?!?)

10. Getting the 1-hour massage my sister-in-law gave me

Things I am doing this week:

1. STUDYING

2. Retaking an exam

3. Crying

4. Bitter Blogging (CHECK!)

Block 3 Week 10: What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down.

For those who haven't heard, I finally was able to rescue the HB from the hospital and bring him home last Tuesday. He is still on the mend, despite him insisting that he was ready to go back to work on Friday. Don't worry, I didn't let him even try it. I'm not sure I'll be as successful on Monday. He's really itching for things to be back to normal. Meanwhile, I'm not sure I'll ever feel normal again. I mean, it felt pretty normal while his body was quietly turning on him that Saturday three weeks ago. I find I'm rather afraid to admit to normal at any time in the near future for fear that I'm misinformed.

If anyone has ever had to witness someone they love experience something this horrible, you'll understand what helpless means. All he wanted was to feel better, and all I wanted was for him to feel better too. If he'd have asked for it, I would have gladly lassoed the moon and dragged it down here if it would make him well again. As it stands, he's having to wait around until his body recovers from this mess. This is probably not as hard as having to endure pancreatitis pain, but it's pretty hard. He's making good progress every day though, and I can tell he's not going to let this keep him down for long.

I haven't had a lot to say about how medical school is going for the last few weeks. Pardon me for being distracted a bit by present circumstances. To say that school and studying took the back burner is a HUGE understatement. It was really fun when finals started. We've had four finals, a practical, and standardized patient so far. The two I've gotten grades back on have been good, surprisingly. I didn't fail anything yet that I know of. I might have gotten REALLY close with that pharmacology final. We'll keep our fingers crossed on that one. The OMM practical was not too bad, and my standardized patient was actually fun. Except for the SOAP note. I kinda scrubbed that a bit. Hopefully they'll have mercy. Coming up this week is the ophthalmology final and the anatomy final and practical. I'm pretty nervous about all of those, so please keep me in prayer if you don't mind. I have a serious case of block break-itis, and it's making studying kind of a pain. Add that to all the fun of the last few weeks and it's almost impossible to accomplish anything. Especially with the beautiful weather.

One last thing I might add to any med students (currently or future) who happen to trip over this blog sometime. OSMOSIS. The only reason I have passed any exams here lately is because I have depended heavily on Osmosis. It is an online study tool that a lot of people in my class use. All of the lectures are uploaded there, and you can do questions based on each lecture, or by subject or module (this is the best, modules make up a lecture portion that is on a specific exam). Anyway, check it out! It might just save you some study time that you can use to go outside and get some vitamin D. It's important, yo.

**The above is an affiliate link, which means if you join Osmosis, I get some extra free time kicked in on my subscription. But so do you!**